Good name for a satrical radiohead coverband no?

I'm dying here. I've got no soul... Now that I've graduated I feel I have no purpose to my life. I dont feel sad or happy, just vaugely bored and restless. Ennui.

Life is a gift, and the last couple of days I have just been shitting on it. I check my facebook five times a day! AHHHcH!! There is work to be done!! I have to get involved in something. I wasting away!! You can't force passion!

I have GOT to call Lani tomorrow!

If I cant shake this attitude Wyoming is going to SUCK!!!

Balls!!!!!!!

...how did you survive Jorge?

Mellisa may be the most beautiful women I have ever met. She has a gorgeous smile, she is extraordinarily sweet, she is funny, intelligent, loving. She is a total rough house when she is drunk.

She told her Dad I was her favorite geology friend. She also said I was her favorite nerd. She left me three voice messages one night which got progressively more belligerent. She was raving about how I was not a some party with her, and she was ANGRY! Imagine the following in the sweetest voice possible.

"Fuck you Noah, I never want to see you again, No NO No I don't, I didn't mean that. I want to see you all the time, I want to see you in the next 5 minutes, get your ass over here."

I took this as a good sign. I really hope I see her again.

Call me BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really do hope nobody reads this. Not because its revealing and embarrassing, but because its bound to be painfully incoherent and emo. (I suppose the one thing I would be embarrassed about is my spelling.)

Anyways, im drunk, obviously, and I feel like shit.

I am in a play this quarter, which is great. I love acting again. Its also been very exciting meeting new friends. But I am really worried that I am coming off as the creepy old guy who is trying really hard to fit in.

I suppose I have been entrenched in my core group of friends for a very long time, and meeting new people has become quite the awkward venture. And certainly its difficult to dive into a click as intimate and crazy as the theater kids, so perhaps i should not put myself down for not feeling accepted at this point. And maybe I shouldn't feel creepy for having sexual interest in certain girls one or two years younger than I. But I can't shake the feeling my trying to make new friends and meet women through this course is just pathetic.

I guess I am bringing myself down because this girl I like, who I thought I was getting along with, is apparently no longer interested in speaking with me. Her attitude towards me changed drastically in a span of 24 hours. I get the feeling that I made it too obvious that I like her and, since the feeling isn't mutual, she decided the best course of action is to ignore me. This sucks ass, especially because her sense of humor was the most attractive part about her. I am equally interested in being her friend as I am in hooking up with her. This may sound like a crock of shit, but I feel like I was unnecessarily rejected. I would have been happy if nothing had happened, but now it seem we won't be friends either, all because I conveyed my interest and she got creeped out.

Where is the creepy line anyway? I was discussing it with Sam. When he checks out girls it is really really obvious. He is really quite expressive with his eyes. It seems to me that some women are creeped out, others appreciate the attention and take it as a compliment and others are swept off their feet. I told him that even though some girls are weirded out, there is absolutely nothing creepy about expressing your interest, as long as you do it politely and comfortably. The important thing is reading their reaction and backing off if they aren't into it. Creepy happens when somebody wont leave you alone.

Am I right?

What would you do if a nice guy was into you, but he wasn't bringing it hard and he was just trying to be your friend?

Some really interesting stuff has happened since my last post.

Lets see, camp was amazing, it changed my life and made me realize that I love working with kids.

Now instead of seeing Gradschool and Geology in my future, I see myself doing Americore and become a teacher. These ideas are not set in stone, but the most important lesson I learned at camp is that there a many adventures to be had, and all it takes is a little initiative. I am not settling down any time soon!

When I returned from camp I came upon the realization that I wanted to move out of my house, away from Sam and David. I had tasted the excitement of a completely new environment and I decided I wanted it again. So I boldly shouted that I wanted to leave and I caught my housemates off guard. Only recently did I realize that I was on a camp high when I decided this.

I still believe it is a good idea to move out but I was incorrect in thinking that I would be unhappy there for the rest of the year.

Then I turned twenty-one.

That night I got hammered and accused my friend of being a pathological liar. (He is not by the way, he just tells interesting stories). Anyways, I slapped him in the face and he punched me in the ear (there's a video). A couple nights later when we were smashed I challenged him to a fight. He had me in a headlock for a while until I squirled out of it and got him in a chock hold. The he started scratching me and pulling my hair. I stopped the fight and had a talk with him about crossing the line (consolour experience coming in handy).

I realized later that even though he escalated the situation, it was still at least 70% my fault. I do tend to get violent when I am drunk. Guess I should work on that.

Then Kendra and her friend visited. It was really great. I got lucky with her friend, she is a great girl, really cool. It was the perfect 5 day relationship. Huge confidence booster, cool girls actually like me!!

Oh and I also saw Radiohead. They were incredible, everything I could have hoped for.

So I guess life has been pretty intense lately. Wheew. I am glad I am in SD where I can get some mother fuckin Zzzs.

Night Yal.

I hope its fun! It probably will be. Im a little worried I wont be a good counsoler. I am also worried it might be lame being around so many 10 - 13 year old girls. Oh well, at the very least I'll have a shitty time in a beautiful place and get well paid.

Maybe I'll met a pretty girl on staff, that would be awesome. I am glad to be taking a break from my room-mate, he is starting to get to me. But this is the natural process; if you spend enough time with anyone you get sick of them.

I bet David and Sam are getting sick of each other in Isreal right now. I wonder what they're version of "pick up the sweater" will be.

I hope david gets laid.

Shit, I need to get laid.

More than that I need a girl friend. I am in college, yet I still haven't been in a real long term relationship. I consider this sad, yet it does not sadden me. I suppose that is why I have never gotten a girl friend; I am fairly happy being single. I am not dying to met somebody, so I don't make a huge effort.

Oh well, either I go gay or a get a girlfriend.

But really though, I feel like im missing out. I have a lot to learn about love and even more to learn about women. I think I know alot about women because I know a lot about Tracy, but really though, come on, tracy is a robot.

Fuck that facebook group about me, its her! Ever notice how many cheeseburgers and pizzas she eats in a day. She has a bio-disel engine, she runs on GREASE! She also kills puppies, hates black people and loves going to raves. Ive never seen a more obvious robot. She even has a cardboard cut out of R2D2 in her bedroom! (oh wait thats me). Anyways... Robot!!! Tracy be a Robot! AAAAAARG she be a robot and I be a pirate! WALK the Plank you stinky clunk of metal!

I feel like a character with no backround story. I dont know what my motivation is. Im not really passionate about much. I need to really pump some pzaaz into my life. Maybe ill just jet somewhere on my bike. Be in a new city. Make some new friends. What ever I do, im not gonna hold back. I can feel the change coming on, and im not gonna hesitate. Ill just trust my insticts, stay on my toes, and i wont look back.

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Pheonix sucked balls.

I just ate dinner and saw a movie with Max,Christy and Sean, some old friends from high school. Max has a brain tumor. I've known this for a long time but this was the first time I saw him. He isnt looking good.

It is possible that I will never see him again, because he will die soon.

It is so strange.

I knew him really well in high school. I connected with him in a very unique way. He may have been the first friend I had whom I could easily express depressing thoughts with.

At one point I remeber we were experiencing the same existential crisis. I cant remeber the details, but when we told one another we understood eachother perfectly. We created a lasting bond in that moment.

At dinner we talked about the old days: fuzzy hippo, parties at jason's house...

I suppose it was a fitting goodbye...

God I really like him. Please keep him alive. I think he could help the world.

Only in the moments when i realize life is pointless am I free. And only when I am free am I truely happy.

This might sound funny to alot of you, but i miss davids hysterical emily rants. I really want to know what he is freaking out about right now. Cause lord knows he is...

I miss seeing inside his brain.

Is that creepy?

I really wish I was a robot.

I just realized something epic.
The reason I like tracy so much is because she hurts me so bad. The more she hurts my feelings the more I want her. I am addicted to rejection... she has got me under her thumb!
WHAT have I become?!!!
No wonder I laughed and smiled with her when she broke up with me last winter. Somehow the pain of it all felt satisfying... enjoyable...
Of course I was actually crushed and depressed when it happened, and of course I like her for tons of perfectly healthy reasons... but this will not stand!
I can not let this cycle of masochism continue. I will not waist my youth crawling after an unrequited love.
I am a man! My heart is made of steel and my skin made of leather. I will not be broken by this woman. I will stare her down break her spell, and she have to hide her face.

God knows I have fallen for her, and God knows it will never work out.
God... you're a tricky son a bitch.

I make bad decisions, consistently. I think that means i'm a bad person. Oh well. fuck it/me/life. I just hope i dont hurt anyone else feelings with my unrestrainable impulsive actions.

I talked to a monk today, a salesman perhaps. He was trying to sell me a book about enlightenment. During the process of politely turning him away he said something I found interesting. "The only progress to be made is in the spirtual world" he said, "we can not attempt to seek happiness from our surroundings because the soul is incapatible with the physical."

I have a problem with obsesion. My mind is always turning things over, always digging deeper, always finding something wrong.

I am tired of boring into my skull. I want to know peace, i want to let go, detach...

But I guess we are all on roller coasters right? Some just go up and down a little faster than others. I have learned to hold my lunch, I put both my hands up and scream, but i still get quessy sometimes.

So God fucked me over. I won't say how, but I will say that it hurts like a bitch.

Hurts so bad it makes me nuacuous, makes me feel like i am being ripped in half.

I've been really conflicted on who to blame and who to hate for putting me through this, but the bottom line is that pointing the finger will solve nothing.

It is my fate to be fucked. I'll just have to... well... I really can't do anything.

Patience I suppose. I'll just have to wait to untill it stops hurting.

I have posted my music on Myspace! David I know we deleted ours, but this is the best way to get my music on the web. And it's all new or revised. So check it out!

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=239316015

wow, 4 nights smashed in a row. Tracy became friends and had a great time with Jorge, Walter and Mercedes, and I got to know all of the SOO Much better. Walter told some great stories, Jorge spilled his heart out, Mercedes and I rocked the shit out of San Francisco, and I got to say hi to Tracy's dogs and things.

It wasn't all fun and games though. Hooking up again was bad, but good, cause it feels so good to be bad. Getting lost on the way back from san jose for 3 FUCKING HOURS, was probably one of the worst experiences of my life. See next paragraph for further detail.

(Driving in the dark, trying to get back onto an IMPOSSIBLE freeway while you are suppose to be at a HUGE party and having the driver be super pissed at you because they are doing you a favor and once you get on the freeway having it turn out to be the WRONG ONE that leads you an HOUR in the WRONG direction!!..... AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHh.... doesn't feel good.)


THAT'S.... beside the point. That part of the evening was as terrible as the previous night was awesome. Plus, we arrived at the party at the stroke of midnight, and I was 20. It felt pretty cool to have such a dramatic ending to my 19th year. Starting my 20s off with one of the best weekend's of my life certainly felt good.

Tracy bought me a melodica... what a sweetheart.

Shit. I feel bored and lazy and sad, what a bad combination. What happened to my spark? I had so much energy at the beginning of the summer. I guess i'll just have to slap my self around a little, get my motor running, get my mojo working. Mojo, FO SHO!